Post It Note Tuesday - - Who needs implants when you have breasts the size of bowling balls?!

It's Post It Note Tuesday. I'm in waaaaaaaay too much pain today to come up with a witty introduction! (By the way, "witty" is like my favorite word and I can totally see my husband's eyes rolling when he reads this....) Read on to feel the source of my agony!

 

 

 

 

 

And now a joke to make up for my lack of wittiness (there's that word again *giggle*)...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath...
 

Boy: Mom, are these  my brains?
Mom: Not yet!

I couldn't let him go on looking like an idiot!

Several months ago, my oldest (Jerytt) began to shave his face. He had that dark shadow above the upper lip thing going on. He really wants facial hair. I guess being that I'm not a boy I don't completely understand the anguish of this. He's also got some rather thick eyebrows. Over Christmas, my sister was visiting and she even brought him to have them waxed. They looked fantastic! Jerytt wasn't too keen on the idea of the upkeep so he let them go.

Now, when you're just fifteen years old and trying to grow facial hair, you end up looking all scraggly and scruffy. Okay, I'll just say it, you look like a dumb ass. I repeatedly told Jerytt that the five longish hairs sprouting from his chin were really getting on my nerves and I was going to pluck each of them out whilst he sleeps. He kept reminding me how it's his face blah... blah... blah... Shut up already!

So yesterday, I was shaving his head. Not with like a bic razor, just a buzz cut (my kids look rather horrendous with hair). During this process I take an eyebrow shaver and clean up his eyebrows. Kind of like this one:

So here's my kid with his eyes closed, you know, because he doesn't want me to dump brow hair into his eyes. Spur of the moment (no premeditation, I swear), I took the razor above and shaved those five fucking hairs right off! It was liberating! I felt so free! Jerytt on the other hand was rather pissed off. He didn't talk to me for like, half the day. I'm trying to decide if I hated the hairs THAT much or if I just really needed silence for a while. Either way, it was win/win!

I couldn't allow him to end up looking like this guy:

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I love awards!! Jealous? You should be!

I am coming out of silence this weekend to let someone else pat me on the back for a change. You know, because I can only do that myself for so long.

Miranda over at It's Awwight Mama announced her Friday Top 5's, which is her top 5 posts for the week. Apparently I made her honestly laugh out loud, cry into her coffee, or sit in stunned silence.

Awards really rock my world and I want to thank her for this.

If you have time to visit her (who doesn't need another blog in their life?) do it. She's got some awesome photography and the latest scoop on games! Plus, she's a fellow mom and has some great stories about her kids! I'm her newest follower and you should be too!

Stay tuned for tomorrow.... I'll let you in on the latest funny I had with the oldest kid. He's like, not talking to me now and stuff. I live for this shit!

Raise your hand if you hate dolls!

 

When I was about six or seven years old, my grandparents thought it would be a good idea to get me a doll for Christmas. Only, this wasn't a little baby doll I could carry around with me everywhere I went. This was Patti Playpal (see above). The bitch was as tall as I was and resembled me to the fullest. I shit you not, at one point a family member was talking to her thinking it was me. I was all, "Dude, I'm over here!" She was trying to steal my identity!

I hated this doll. From day one. Her home was in the basement and that's where she stayed. 

I had a birthday party one year and it was in the basement of my house. Where Patti lived! Somehow or other, we ended up all surrounding Patti while one of my friends coaxed Patti to move, again. As in she swore Patti came to life, moved and she wanted her to do it AGAIN! The fuck would you do that for? Then, said friend proceeded to go home and leave Patti in my hands. Alone.

Before this little incident, I was already scared of this thing. Now I was petrified. 

Fast forward a few years and for whatever reason, Patti was in the dining room. My bedroom was beyond the dining room. Yeah, I had to run by her whenever I wanted to go to my room. Looking back on it now, I totally could have taken her on. Who did she think she was taking over like this?

Even as a teen there were issues with Patti. One night I had a bunch of friends over and we were watching a movie in the dark. I guess I didn't notice when a few of my friends left the room. A knock came to one of the windows. When I peered out there she was. She actually floated off the ground and rose up to the window just to get in my head a. little. bit. more.

I begged those around me to please just get rid of her! My grandparents didn't have to know.

As an adult, I still have nightmares about Patti Playpal. I am so thankful I have three sons. Matchbox cars don't come to life! Unless they got a glimpse of the TV when I was watching Stephen King's "Christine". Oh fuck....

                                    

Writer's Workshop - Open Letter to Flapjack (as in the marvelous misadventures of....)

Last week, I turned my prompt from Mama Kat over to my ten year old son, Isaac. I received a lot of props for doing so and decided to do a part two Writer's Workshop from his standpoint!

I give you.... FLAPJACK!

Dear Flapjack,

I love your show. It's awesome!! But I have one super question... How can you deal with all the bull crap every single day with Captain Kn'uckles?

I mean, he's always selfish with his large maple syrup bottle (I think it's like beer to him!). I'm one of your fans but please, answer my question!

Sincerely,
Isaac

All I did was type his words folks.... Really.

Until next week!

Writer's Workshop - 10 Things I Didn't Know Until I Became A Mom

1 - I cannot begin to attempt counting the number of times I was told how "all the pain goes away" once your baby is handed to you for the first time after essentially being ripped from your body. Totally true. Every time.

2 - A shower is a luxury when you have a newborn in the house. Oh, and so is eating. Sleep? What's that?

3 - I could really care less when my kid's bodily functions end up on me. I'm talking spit up, pee, poop.... It all comes with the territory. No tissues for that runny nose? Here, use my shirt! "Hey ma, wanna smell this?!" Ummm, totally!

4 - On the weekend, I try to wake up early enough to buy myself a minimum of one hour to enjoy a cup of coffee and mindless TV. Used to be all about wanting to sleep in...

5 - I never knew how enjoyable it could be to watch my husband shake his ass when our son presses the button on his toy and the song "Dinah Won't You Blow Your Horn" begins to play. Seriously, I need to set up a hidden camera.

6 - Never in a millions years did I ever think I would yell "Turn down that music!!!". I think I recall saying I would never be that parent. Pass the ibuprofen now, please!

7 - Holy gray hairs Batman! I don't have time to dye my own hair. I can't afford to pay someone else to do it. They just keep coming and coming and coming.... Who knew three cute boys could cause such growth!!

8 - I never knew how much fun teasing kids was until I had my own! My poor son Jerytt. He's 15. Once, I got this catalog in the mail and on the cover was a table decked out in a princess theme for a birthday. I grabbed a sharpie and wrote on the cover of it, "Jerytt... For your next party?!" and put it on his pillow. His face was priceless when he found it. I didn't even mind the name calling that time! Also, every time one of the kids ask, "What's for dinner?", I simply say FOOD! It pisses them off to no end. Seriously guys, why do you even bother asking?

9 - I never knew little boy's stomachs were bottomless pits. Where do they put it?

10 - I've always wanted kids. I knew I would love the hell out of them. Thing is, I didn't know how much love I would have for each one of them. It's like, a lot of love. I would do just about anything for these guys and go to the end of the Earth to defend them. I'm a hard-ass bitch, so you probably want to tell your kid to lay off my kid.

  

Mama Kat wrote an open letter to Grumpy Bear. I kid you not. She nailed it. Go check that out plus other entries for this week's Writer's Workshop!

Wordless Wednesday - Ghetto Fabulous Edition!

 

These pajamas had the feet attached to them last night. I cut 'em off. They were getting a bit snug but I really like them and wanted to buy some more time. My  husband was at school when I did this so he hasn't seen it yet. I can't wait to get the phone call later today, "The fuck is wrong with you?!". 

Also, I performed the cutting off of the feeties procedure in my kitchen. I went into the kitchen a few hours afterward to get a drink and I saw what appeared to be a huge worm on the floor. I screamed like a little bitch and the oldest son came running in to see how much I was bleeding. He then went over to this worm creature and picked it up. WITH. HIS. HANDS. So I screamed louder! Yeah, it was a piece of the fabric from when I worked my Martha Stewart skills on the pj's. Fun times. I'm such a little girl.

Okay, I so get that this is "Wordless Wednesday" and I have yet to shut my trap but get a load of this other photo:

The kid can't get his act together and decide which he likes better.

Go visit 5 Minutes For Mom for more Wordless Wednesday photos!!